Flour Baby
by Dlvvanzor
Summary: Belatedly, Watari realized that giving Light and L a bag of flour and telling them to take care of it for one week to prove that they could handle a puppy, might not have been the best idea of which the genius inventor had ever conceived. Complete.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: This idea came from my fanfiction wife, The iPod Addict. If you want to laugh until you cry, I recommend her fanfiction. :D**

**Yep, so this is going to go day by day. Nodnod.**

* * *

Belatedly, Watari realized that giving Light and L a bag of flour and telling them to take care of it for one week to prove that they could handle a puppy, might not have been the best idea the genius inventor had ever conceived.

It was a simple enough assignment, in theory. Carry the bag around, pretend to feed it, pretend to change it, and whatever else they felt like they should do. If, at the end of the week, it was still largely intact and had no obvious signs of abuse, Watari was almost confident that they would be all right to move on to an actual life-form, such as a goldfish. He'd see where it went from there, but images of a grossly neglected fish kept invading his mind as if flashes from an inevitable future. However, if they proved that they could, in fact, keep a fish alive, he would get them the puppy.

They had been begging for the creature for so long that it almost felt like there _was_ one in the house already. By all means, Watari couldn't understand it. He liked dogs as much as the next man, but they were loud, and they were messy, and they were difficult to transport by airplane every time L moved, which was often. They also drooled and ate any food they could find, and Watari could imagine L's violent reaction if the poor animal was unfortunate enough to snatch any of L's candy.

Also, the boys- even L!- seemed unconcerned and in fact oblivious to the fact that adopting a dog between L and someone who was probably Kira could cause a problem.

Quite frankly, Watari didn't believe that they could handle the flour, let alone a dog.

But hey, he had been wrong before, occasionally, and maybe the two smartest people in the world, between the two of them, would be able to handle it.

Then again, maybe not.


	2. Day 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: They are probably going to be short chapters, but it's not like this is serious subject matter, lol.**

**Day 1**

Light and L... _possibly_... may have grown a little too attached to the bag of flour.

For two of the most brilliant human beings in existence, one would think that they would be able to distinguish between inanimate baking ingredients and a child.

One would _think_.

As it stood, Light was gently cradling it, looking both amused and annoyed, which was pretty much his neutral expression, when L peered over his shoulder with his thumb to his lip.

Tilting his head in thought, he wondered, "What shall we name it, Light-kun?"

"Hatori," Light decided randomly.

"Ah, so he is male?"

"Obviously."

"And Japanese?"

"Can't you tell?"

"May I hold him, Light-kun?"

Light stared at him suspiciously for a moment, then moved to pass Hatori over, figuring such an experienced person must have handled a child before. "Don't hold him like that, idiot!" he yelled accusingly when L reached for the flour with two fingers.

"Why not?"

"You'll hurt him!"

L's eyes widened and he adjusted his arms to match how Light had been holding the flour a moment earlier.

Light eyed him until he was sure that L was going to hold Hatori properly, then handed it over.

L cradled the flour, looking down at it lovingly and petting the side of its face with one long finger. "Greetings, Tori-chan," he said kindly.

"Don't call him Tori; it sounds like a girl's name," Light scolded. "Do you want him to grow up gay?"

L thought, then conceded. "Hat-chan," he said with a note of finality. Then to Light, "Are you saying you would no longer love him if he were gay?"

"Of course I'd still love him!"

"Because that would be a bit like the pot calling the kettle black, don't you agree?"

"...What the hell does that _mean_?"

"It's an English idiom. Don't swear in front of Hatori."

"It's a stupid idiom."

L shrugged and, balancing the flour on one thrust-out hip, he fumbled around in his pocket. After a moment, he pulled out a pen.

On top of the bag, L began to write '_H-'_

Light smacked his hand away. "Why are you writing on our child?" he demanded, horrified.

"It is a name tag," L explained calmly. "The importance of knowing one's name is not something that you, Light-kun, as a person who grew up with parents, can be fairly expected to understand. _I_, for example, do not know the name my parents gave me. What if something happens to us while he is so small? How can Hat-chan ever be expected to remember his name?"

This shut Light up. "Okay," he sighed. "Write his name on him."

L paused, then frowned at his work. "Whose last name is he taking?"

"I don't know. Yours?" Light suggested idly.

"You are just trying to find out my last name so you can kill me. Kira."

"Don't call me Kira in front of Hatori!"

"Don't you think he has the right to know?"

"But I'm _not Kira_!"

"If you won't confess for _me_, then maybe you should confess for _Hatori's_ sake. Imagine growing up to find out that your parent is Kira. It would be better for him to know from the start. We will visit you in prison."

"I'm not Kira!"

"Lying to me is one thing, but lying to _him_?"

"Stop yelling, you're upsetting Hatori!"

"You are the only one yelling, Light-kun."

"We'll discuss this later!"

"Fine."

"Fine!"

They were silent for a moment.

"So whose last name is he taking?" L asked again.

Light snatched the pen out of L's hand and wrote _'Yagami.''_


	3. Day 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: This one is a little bit (okay, a LOT) more cracky than I initially intended, but... hey, a little bit of fanfiction crack never hurt anyone. :D REAL crack has hurt people, but definitely not fanfiction crack. -Nods- We'll see if the next one is this cracky. XD**

**Day 2**

"Ryuuzaki, Hatori needs clothes."

L paused, turning to frown at the genius working next to him, typing with one hand while supporting Hatori with the other. Of course, the other man was typing more quickly with _one_ hand than many people are capable of with _both_ hands.

"Hatori... needs clothes?"

"Yes."

"He is rather..." he faded off, trying to think of a way to say this politely that would not upset Light nor hurt Hatori's feelings. "...Unusually proportioned." Good. "Where would we find clothes for him?"

"Well, you've got more money than God. I imagine we can find a place that will customize."

L gave him a very distinct hairy eyeball. "Than _God_, Light-kun? By God do you mean _Kira_?"

Ignoring him, Light mused, "Maybe my mother would be willing to make something that would fit him..."

"Are you a Kira supporter?"

"I don't know, though, how long does it take to make an outfit?"

"Are you a Kira supporter because you perhaps _are_ Kira himself?"

"Well, he doesn't have sweat glands, so it's not like he'll really need more than one set of clothes."

"Tell the truth, Kira!"

"But he _does_ deserve the best, so maybe if it doesn't take too long I can ask her to make a few outfits..."

"Kiraaaaaaaaa-"

"Okay, I've decided. We're going to go to my mother's house and she can measure Hatori. She always used to make clothes for Sayu when she was a baby, and it was always really cute."

"Okay."

Twenty minutes later, thanks to Watari who drove, contrary to popular belief, like a maniac, they arrived at Light's house. L and a very shaky Light exited the limo. "T-thank you Watari..." Light said, clutching Hatori, the six times he had nearly died in a horrible screaming death trap of collision flashing before his eyes. He made a mental note not to let Watari drive any more than was completely necessary, as Watari haphazardly backed out of Light's driveway, narrowly missing a pedestrian, and tore away.

L, however, didn't seem to notice, and Light made another mental note not to let L drive him anywhere, either.

Sachiko, hearing the screeching of the car tires from when Watari had slammed on the breaks when they arrived, burst out of the house, her biggest available grin on her face. "Light, honey! Welcome home! Did the overbearing detective give you a day off to come visit?"

"Hey, Mom," Light said a little awkwardly, receiving a glare from said overbearing detective. "Um, actually, yeah. Mom, this is my friend Ryuuzaki. We're handcuffed for some completely valid and not-at-all-kinky reason that definitely doesn't inspire homoerotic subtext."

"Oh, well that's good," Sachiko agreed.

L was still glaring at him. Light elbowed him in the ribs, making L create an 'oof' sound and turn his glare elsewhere.

"Light, you seem to be holding a bag of flour," Sachiko pointed out as they sat down in the living room. Sachiko brought out a plate of homemade cookies and L looked at her, wide-eyed, and Light was sure he could hear that song that plays in movies when a character falls in love. Sachiko seemed to hear it, too, and looked around, frowning.

"I am," Light confirmed. "And this is kind of an odd request, but I need you, if you could, to make a little outfit for him. Maybe two."

She blinked at him, but it wasn't the weirdest thing Light had ever asked her to do so she shrugged. "That shouldn't be too hard. Sleeves are usually the hardest part for me, and that won't be a problem here. Let me just get my measuring tape..."

She fetched the tape and when she went to measure Hatori L sprang to his feet. "Good woman, allow _me_," he rumbled, bowing elegantly.

"Um... okay?"

L quickly measured Hatori every which way, writing the dimensions down in, not his usual scrawl, but big, looping letters. He handed the paper to Sachiko and, when she reached for it, he delicately took hold of her hand and brought it to his lips.

"The cookies... Sachiko, milady... they were wonderful," L said in a sultry voice, eyes smoldering through his hair as he looked up at her.

"Thank you," she said awkwardly. "You know, _my husband Soichiro_ loves them too. He should be home any minute, actually..."

"Do you know that I am one of the most intelligent people on the face of this earth?"

"Um..."

"That I am richer than the combined population of a small country?"

"That's nice..."

"I know seventeen languages."

"Okay."

"I know an obscure form of martial arts."

"That's great, Ryuu-"

"I was the British junior tennis champion."

"Okay, so Mom," Light interrupted, smacking L and giving him a glare to freeze Mercury. The _planet_ Mercury. Which is already really cold half the time but during the _other half _of its days is_ very, very hot_ so would then actually be hard to freeze. The glare was that cold. "Do you think you can do it?"

"Shouldn't be a problem," she said sweetly. "If you just give me a moment, I would be happy to get my sewing machine. It won't be more than an hour."

"Okay, thanks!" Light said, and Sachiko happy began bustling about, collecting the supplies and setting everything up.

Light and Sachiko caught up, ignoring L as he periodically gazed at Light's mother, jotting something down on a piece of paper he had pestered Light for.

Sachiko finished an outfit. It was baby blue. "Bring it over here, Light. We'll see if this fits. If it does, I can make another one."

"Hatori is a _he_, Mom," Light said, obeying.

"Do not speak that way to your mother!" L snapped, smacking Light on the back of the head as he followed him to avoid being yanked by the chain. Then he turned and gave a charming smile to the middle-aged woman. "I apologize for Light-kun's behavior, Madam. Here, I composed a symphony for you. It is called, 'The Glorious, Cookie-Baking Sachiko, Queen of My Heart.'"

Sachiko stared at him, then shook her head, helping Light put Hatori's clothes on.

On the drive home, L and Light didn't say a word to each other. Neither did Hatori. The only sound was the squeal of Watari's tires and the groan of the bearings as he landed a jump.

"I believe your mother drugged those cookies in an attempt to seduce me," L muttered.

"Somehow I doubt that, lover boy," Light said condescendingly, fiddling with Hatori's new clothes.

"I have never felt like that before, and now that I have metabolized the cookies I no longer feel that way. I am now fully aware of the inappropriateness of my actions."

"Just hope she doesn't tell my dad," Light chirped, grinning at L's pained expression.

"You did not have any of the cookies."

"I don't like sweets. You know that."

"Then why did your mother make them?"

"She probably had them for my dad and offered them to be polite. He likes cookies the way you like cake."

"So she was trying to seduce _him_?"

"She doesn't have to seduce him, he's her husband. My sweet, _incredibly normal_ mother did _not_ drug the cookies."

"Then _you_ did!" L accused, pointing at Light's nose. "Kira!"

Light crossed his legs. "You were with me the whole time. When would I have drugged the cookies?"

"...Kira! Trying to make me fall temporarily in love with your mother so that I'd slip and tell her my name in front of you!"

"That's completely ridiculous!"

"DAMN YOU, KIRA!"

"Don't swear in front of Hatori."

L sighed, sitting back in his seat and glaring forlornly out the window. "I didn't know anyone but Watari and bakeries were capable of making cookies."

"It's not that hard," Light grumbled back, crossing his legs the other way and elbowing L again. "Hey, take Hatori. My arms are tired."

Wordlessly, they transferred the bag of flour. L sighed again. Looking down at Hatori, he said, "I'm sorry you had to see that, Hat-chan."

Light just rolled his eyes and checked his nails.

And thus ended day two.


	4. Day 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: Woooo! Okay, so I just started college. Blame that, because it's the reason I've disappeared.**

* * *

"For the last _time_, Watari, I did not become a detective because I have a fetish for serial killers!" L lied, slamming the car door behind them.

Light, holding back the tears that threatened from the crazy drive he had just been dragged into ("_No, Light-kun, we are not hiring a cab. Because I said so, that's why!_"), managed to force out, "No, you did it because you have a fetish for chaining young boys to yourself."

"Silence, Kira!"

"No!"

"SILENCE!"

"NO!"

"Up by four percent!"

"I hate you!"

"Up by _six _percent!"

"FINE!"

Glaring in opposite directions of each other, they headed into the building, L being careful not to whack Hatori against anything where he was tucked in the snuggly they had just purchased.

When they got in the building, Light sighed in a rush and said, "Ryuuzaki, change Hatori's diaper."

L's eyes went wide and he stared at Light. Clearly, the man had gone insane. Did L _look_ like a guy who knew how to change a diaper? "That would be unwise," he mumbled.

"Don't tell me the world's three greatest detectives doesn't know how to change a diaper," Light mocked, having already figured it out, a smug grin crawling across his face that internally made L add another two percent. "I would think you'd have read a book on the subject or something..."

"I was my parent's first child and they died before they could have another," L said bluntly. Usually bringing up his dead parents made people shut up. It had worked last time when they were arguing about writing Hatori's name on him.

Of course, it was silly to think that the same manipulation would work twice on Light. He should have realized that Light was not most people. Also, as a potential serial killer, it was unlikely that he would have that same 'guilt/shame' thing that L usually took advantage of.

"So you grew up at an orphanage," Light said, crossing his arms, his smirk widening.

"Yes."

"So, you were _surrounded_ by little kids, and there is absolutely no excuse for you not to know how to change a diaper."

L blinked. "...My parents were murdered in front of me, you know."

"And if it _really_ bothered you, you wouldn't use it as an excuse to get out of stuff all the time."

"...Damn it."

"Change his diaper."

"I do not know how!"

"Look it up online!"

"Why doesn't _Light-kun_ just change the diaper!"

"Because this is a nice shirt and I don't want him peeing all over me or something."

"...It is a bag of flour, Light-kun, it does not have a bladder." L cringed, realizing what he had just said.

Light froze. "What... did you say?"

L took a step back, quailing under Light's suddenly red and frighteningly intense eyes. "I did not mean anything by that statement, I assure you..."

Light took a step forward, enjoying the fact that L, in his terror, forgot about how the chain would prevent him from escaping Light's wrath.

"Did you call Hatori an_ it_?"

"...Accidentally?"

"Accidentally? _Accidentally_? Would you ever _accidentally_ refer to _me_ as 'it' _twice_ in a sentence?"

That wasn't fair. There was no safe answer to that. So, L didn't say anything at all.

Apparently Light didn't need him to.

"You're the most insensitive, emotionless, crassest, _asshole_ I've ever met and if I didn't so firmly believe that a boy needs his father I would leave you in a _second!_" Light shrilled. Enraged, visibly seething, he scooped up the bag of flour and stormed out of the room, speaking softly to it as if he needed to comfort it.

L sighed and shrugged, turning back to his computer and looking up diaper-changing procedures. Then he smirked. Light had called him the father. Which meant that Light was the mother. Heh.

That would be good ammo in the future.


	5. Day 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: I know, college. Sorry. But I'm on a break soon/now, so for a few weeks it probably won't be a barren desert. :D**

**Day 4**

* * *

"Light-kun, I think it's about time we begin looking into potential colleges for Hatori."

Light wasn't paying attention.

"Light-kun!"

"What? Oh, sorry, Ryuuzaki. I was trying to figure out how I stormed out of the room yesterday with the handcuffs on."

L gave him a funny look. "What do you mean? That never happened."

"Yeah, yesterday. I took Hatori and stormed away from you when you called him 'it,' and somehow I managed this with the handcuffs on."

"That never happened."

"Oh. Right."

Having established that that never happened, the new issue of the day could be discussed.

"Light-kun, I think it's about time we begin looking into potential colleges for Hatori," L repeated.

"College?"

"Yes. Money will not be an issue, and I am certain that Hat-chan will be intelligent enough to get into any college he so desires, but it is my opinion that we should have some suggestions prepared for him when the time comes."

"Oh, okay. Well..." Light checked his watch. "It's time for his dinner. Come with me and we'll discuss it?"

"Yes."

L shuffled after him, thumb to his lips, pondering, as Light uncapped a jar of mashed carrots. Scooping them expertly, Light conveyed the spoon to the space where a mouth would be, were the bag of flour an actual, living creature.

"So, where do you suggest?" Light asked.

"George Washington University, naturally."

"That's in the United States."

"Obviously."

"But that's so far away!"

"We would, of course, go with him."

"Oh yes, I'm sure he'd be _so_ pleased that his parents came with him to college."

"If I were Hatori, I believe I would be pleased if my parents- two of the most intelligent human beings in the history of the world and one of the wealthiest- accompanied me to college. There are distinct advantages to such an arrangement."

"But college is the time to gain independence, Ryuuzaki," said Light, putting another spoonful to Hatori's 'mouth,' not seeming to notice that mashed carrot was dribbling down his front and staining the bag. "How can he grow as an individual if he's still so close to _us_?"

"You seem to have managed."

"I'm not Kira."

"I actually, for once, was not implying that you are."

"It's a reflex."

When the jar was empty, Light picked Hatori up and held him at his shoulder, patting him on the back to burp him.

Inspired by Hatori's carrot-eating, L ambled over to the refrigerator, pulling out a plate of cake and immediately diving in.

Light froze.

"...Light-kun?"

"That's... cake."

"Correct."

"_Cake_, Ryuuzaki."

"Yes."

"_Cake is made of..._" He glanced fearfully at Hatori. _"F-L-O-U-R."_

L's eyes went wide and without a word he threw the plate away from himself. He ran over to the sink and spit out all the cake that was still in his mouth, frantically sticking his head under the faucet and rinsing out his mouth, spitting again.

"Hat-chan, I am so sorry," he said emphatically, hair soaked.

"It's okay," Light said soothingly. "You didn't think about it. But I still don't think he wants to see you right now. Just give him a little time to deal with that."

"Yes," L agreed, nodding heavily.

"Unchain me for a minute and I'll put him to bed and come right back."

Normally, of course, L would have rejected this idea, but he was too flustered by the thought of what he had just done to think straight, and he freed Light and let him go.

He was alone in the room.

There was more cake in the fridge, and Hatori wasn't here.

Shuddering, tears in his eyes, hating himself, he removed another piece and quickly hoovered it.

Maybe Watari had been right all those years ago. Maybe he really _did_ need rehab.


	6. Day 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: Thanks to unsigned reviewer Mary Lou for a question that sparked this chapter!**

* * *

They had managed to go an entire day without fighting, screaming at, beating, infuriating, or otherwise maiming each other. Needless to say, there was little chance of them remaining in this state, and they both knew it.

Which is why neither of them was particularly surprised when it all went to shit.

"He's so beautiful," L said reverently, stroking a crease in Hatori's bag with the tips of his fingers. "Isn't he, Light-kun."

"He is," Light agreed softly, also looking adoringly at the stained, dented, and dirty bag of flour where it was placed between them on the bed.

"Can you believe we made him? You and me, Ryuuzaki."

"I know."

"We're pretty good parents, for Hatori to turn out like this."

"Light-kun... I..." L hesitated. "I very much enjoy sleeping as a family like this."

Light smiled gently. "As do I, Ryuuzaki."

"But... he has to grow up sometime."

"I know."

"He'll go to school... fall in love... meet a girl and have a family of his own..."

"Yeah."

"Then he won't need us anymore."

They looked at each other sadly for a moment.

"Should we... have another one?" L asked quietly.

"What? Seriously? You wanna go through this all again?"

"But we were just saying how nice it was to-"

"No, we were saying how nice it was now that Hatori has turned out so well! He's been dropped, held inappropriately, traumatized by his father eating cake in front of him... it's a wonder he's still alive, Ryuuzaki. For all I know, you'd bake the next one into a pastry and eat him! And quite frankly, I wouldn't have another child with you if it was the only way to save the world!"

"Is that because you are Kira?" L accused loudly.

"No! Dammit, Ryuuzaki, I'm not Kira! We've been together for Hatori's whole life and you have yet to figure that out! What's the damn point of these godforsaken handcuffs if they never actually lead you to draw a single conclusion?"

"Don't swear in front of Hatori!"

"You did it first!"

"No, I didn't, _you_ did it first! You're trying to corrupt our child! You know how brilliant the offspring of Light and L would be, and you're afraid that I will try to make him L's heir, so you're trying to turn him to the Kira side by slowly infiltrating his mind with your vulgarity!"

"How did you even come up with that?"

"Because I am L and I am always right!" L shrieked.

"Stop screeching, you're making Hatori cry!"

"I assure you that your voice is significantly more piercing!"

"_My_ voice? I'll show _you, _you infuriating little-"

* * *

Belatedly, Watari realized that giving Light and L a bag of flour and telling them to take care of it for one week to prove that they could handle a puppy, might not have been the best idea the genius inventor had ever conceived.

As Watari surveyed the carnage in L's bedroom, he sighed. Whiteness ground into the sheets. Whiteness all over the carpet. Whiteness, stained red in some areas with a little blood, probably from scratches and a bloody nose. Handprints and marks where shoes and bare feet had slid. He was almost sure he could even detect chain marks.

As it turned out, flour was surprisingly difficult to clean up, especially out of fabric.

No puppy for them.


End file.
